


Kirkwall Trash Texts

by Dwarvencrafts



Series: Kirkwall Disaster Modern AU [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Blue Hawke, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Gen, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Modern Era, Multi, Multiple Hawkes, Purple Hawke, Red Hawke, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 14:21:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16976208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dwarvencrafts/pseuds/Dwarvencrafts
Summary: Varric makes a group chat and it goes just about as well as you'd expect.Put all three of my Hawkes in because I have zero self control. Modern AU with no magic or fantasy races, will vaguely follow the da2 plot. Very loosely.Starts sometime near the end of act 2.Set in the same universe as another fic I'm working on with these three Hawkes!





	1. Chaos ensues

**Author's Note:**

> Okay here we go! Got all three of my hawkes in, red and purple are twins and blue is the eldest.
> 
> Screen names are just varrics nicknames (barr varric ofc) but ill put em below jic
> 
> Killer: red Hawke/Jack (she/her)  
> Waffles: blue Hawke/Ora (she/her)  
> Chuckles: purple Hawke/Mal (he/him)  
> Iwritetradgedies: varric  
> Red: aveline  
> Daisy:Merrill  
> Broody: fenris  
> Blondie: anders  
> Rivaini: Isabela  
> Choirboy:sebastian  
> Junior: carver  
> Sunshine: bethany

_Iwritetradgedies added Killer, Waffles, Chuckles, Blondie, Riviani, Broody, Daisy, Junior, Sunshine, Red and Choirboy to Kirkwall Trash_

Killer: the fuck is this

Iwritetradgedies: group chat, killer

Killer: im leaving

_Killer left the chat Rivaini added Killer to the chat_

Rivaini: oh no you dont sweet thing

Killer: f

Chuckles: finally

Chuckles: a place for my Dank Memes™

Broody: I don't like this name, varric.

Daisy: oh i like mine!!!!!!! 🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼❤❤❤❤

Waffles: it suits you, cutie

Daisy: oh waffles suits you!!!! Bc youre sweet and you always smell so good just like waffles!!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Waffles: 😳😳😳😳

Chuckles: lmfao gay

Killer: i hate these emojis im blocking u all

Riviani: 👅👅👅💦💦💦💦

Killer: im never going down on u again

Rivaini: 😢😢😢

Red: Okay I'm leaving.

_Red left the chat_

_Killer added Red to the chat_

Killer: nope if i have to be here so do u

Red: I hate all of you.

Daisy: oh aveline no!!!!

Chuckles: look what u did

Chuckles: u made merrill cry

Chuckles: I Can't Believe You’ve Done This

_Killer kicked Chuckles from the chat Blondie added Chuckles to the chat_

Chuckles: THANK YOU ANDERS

Chuckles: LIGHT OF MY LIFE

Broody: excuse me

Blondie: i just wanted to piss off hawke

Chuckles: but im fine

Killer: ffs

Waffles: we've been friends for like 5 years do any of you actually know our names

Iwritetradgies: nicknames are so much easier

Waffles: gdi

Daisy: oh i know your name but hawke is just so much cooler!!!!!!!! Like the bird!!!! But with an e!!!!!!

Chuckles: merrill is the only valid person in the world

Junior: there are more than three hawkes.

Killer: no one asked u short stuff

Junior: IM LITERALLY TALLER THAN YOU

Chuckles: but u are smol

Chuckles: a tiny boy Chuckles: still aged 2 years old Killer: ^^^

Junior: this is bullying

Junior: this is why im in therapy

Sunshine: oh i love my name thank you varric!

Riviani: bethy is the only valid one out of the Small Hawke Twins

Sunshine: thank you bela!!!

Junior: im muting u all and moving to antiva.

Blondie: block us u coward

_Junior has muted the chat, Junior has gone offline_

Red: he knows blocking you would do nothing

Red: there is no freedom from this group

Blondie: speaking of freedom, cop

_Broody has kicked Blondie from the chat_

Broody: nah

Red: thank you, fenris

_Iwritetradgedies has added Blondie to the chat_

Red: varric I'm going to arrest you.

Blondie: typical cop Blondie: abusing their power

Iwritetradgedies: Blondie pls

Iwritetradgedies: there is only so much i can do

Waffles: quick topic change before this spirals

Blondie: -_-

Waffles: did you make this chat for a reason varric?

Iwritetradgedies: was bored and u lot make great writing inspo

Killer: have i said i hate u Killer: bc i do

Chuckles: ya basic

Killer: u too

Waffles: im telling mum

Killer: y not dad o wait

Waffles: ouch

Chuckles: dead dad jokes keep me going

Sunshine: we know

Sunshine: i still can't believe u were escorted

Sunshine: from our own father's wake

Riviani: he was what now

Broody: Why has no one told us this story before?

Chuckles: y do u use proper words an shit in a group chat

Broody: Don't change the subject. Bethany, if you will continue.

Sunshine: the actual funeral he was mostly well behaved

Sunshine: but at the wake beforehand

Sunshine: he said skeet skeet ah damn everytime we finished a hail mary

Chuckles: i thought i was quiet

Sunshine: u werent

Sunshine: and he made more dead dad jokes than i thought possible

Chuckles: it was early

Chuckles: and u all know im not a mourning person

Killer: ignoring that

Killer: it was pretty funny though

Waffles: yeah tbh its what dad would have wanted

Sunshine: oh for sure

Waffles: and u missed out the best part

Waffles: where all of us, including mum, had to leave cause we kept laughing and in the priests words “encouraging him”

Iwritetradgedies: see this is what i mean

Iwritetradgedies: amazing story fodder

Red: all five Hawkes are officially not invited to my funereal.

_Junior is online_

Junior: what did i do

Junior: nvm i scrolled up

Junior: tbh vallen do u rly think any of us r gna outlive u

Junior: u have met us right

Junior: i saw jack start a fight at a farmers market last Sunday

Riviani: who tf is jack

Killer: rly

Killer: we literally fucked yesterday

Red: thats my cue to leave

_Red has gone offline_

Riviani: prude

Riviani: anyway sweetness

Killer: go on

Rivaini: i

Killer: dw

Killer: i don't even know ur surname and u only mine so we're even

Rivaini: this is why i like u hotstuff

Waffles: k

Waffles: whatever works 4 u guys

Sunshine: can we stop talking about our sex lives like 5 of us in this chat r related

Chuckles: mockingspongebob.png

Chuckles: cAn wE SToP TaLKinG AbOUT OuR sEx LIvEs LikE 5 oF uS aRE rElaTed

Waffles: blocked

Sunshine: can u get a restraining order on ur own brother

Killer: murder is quicker

Chuckles: mUrDer Is QUicKer

Broody: I need to rethink some choices I've made.

Junior: yeah u do buddy

Broody: No judgement from you. You don't make better love life choices.

Killer: what love life

Waffles: fen do u kno smth we don't

_Junior has gone offline_

Chuckles: HA

Broody: I notice things.

Killer: what things

Broody: I have work.

_Broody has gone offline_

Daisy: Oh how interesting !!!!!

Daisy: who do u think it is!!!!!

Waffles: hi again merrill!!!

Daisy: oh hi sorry!!!! Maratheri needed me to do something in the shop!!!!!

Waffles: its so fine cutie work comes first!!!!!

Chuckles: will u stop

Chuckles: being so gay

Waffles: respect ur elders u filthy homo

Chuckles: no way rug muncher

Killer: do u think mum ever regrets having us

Waffles: cause we're sinful gays??????

Killer: no cause we're like this

Waffles: oh then ya for sure

Sunshine: why does carver even feel inferior to either one of u

Chuckles: SDE

Sunshine: what

Killer: mal dont.

Chuckles: aight but i get at least one meme freepass w out u bitchin and i can use it at anypoint

Killer: no.

Chuckles: yes, its agreed

Blondie: whos mal

Chuckles: our dead dad

Blondie: o sry

Waffles: mal dont be a dick

Waffles: its ‘chuckles’ his full name is malcome hawke jr

Waffles: mal for short

Blondie: then y is carver junior

Blondie: varric explain

Chuckles: SDE

Iwritetradgedies: ^^^^

Killer: no.

Blondie: nvm idc

Blondie: who's carver got a crush on

Waffles: thats what i wanna kno

Iwritetradgedies: 👀👀👀👀

Riviani: 👀👀👀👀👀👀

Waffles: o

Killer: ah i see

Sunshine: makes sense

Blondie: ????? I dont????? Get it???

Daisy: me neither!!!!

Waffles: tell u later darling

Blondie: ?????????

_Iwritetradgedies is offline, Killer is offline, Riviani is offline, Sunshine is offline, Waffles is offline, Daisy is offline Chuckles: oh lmao Chuckles is offline_

Blondie: fuck u guys

_Blondie is offline_

_5.pm GMT 15/10/18_

Choirboy: what is this

Choirboy: I just finished work

Choirboy: hello?

Choirboy: I read the rest of the convo ur all going to hell

Choirboy: and ur a moron anders.


	2. The Qunari Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first of many Incidents from the Kirkwall crew.
> 
> This week the gang pisses of the Qun.
> 
> Some light angst this chapter because isabela and jack suck a feelings but it'll all turn out okay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New nicknames this chapter! 
> 
> VarricMustBeStopped: Varric  
> MalTheSecond: purple hawke/ Mal Hawke  
> EldestHawke: blue hawke/ ora hawke  
> Mothersfavourite: bethany  
> MiddleChildComplex: carver  
> TheBetterTwin: red hawke/ jack hawke

_Killer changed Iwritetradgedies name to VarricMustBeStopped_

VarricMustBeStopped: whats with the new screenname, killer

Killer: i read ur latest chapter of that nerd book ur writing

Killer: “The sultry pirate queen pushed the hotblooded mage to the bed, climbing atop her with a flirtatious grin and pulling out her array of daggers to throw them on the floor.”

Killer: really varric?

Riviani: oooh i like that, do tell me more

Killer: don't act like u havent heard it before

Killer: i know ur complicit

Killer: there are

Kiler: details

Rivaini: u caught me sweetness

Rivaini: guess u have to punish me now

Rivaini: but i do love a spanking

Waffles: ew no stop pls

Chuckles: varric do me and fen next

Broody: No.

VarricMustBeStopped: already done, chuckles

Broody: ugh

Red: I'm glad varric isnt as enthralled by my love life.

Rivaini: oh bless you big girl

Rivaini: I'm guessing you haven't read swords and shields

Red: i

Red: no

Red: i dont want to know

Red: I wish to live in blissful ignorance a bit longer

Killer: good call aveline.

Blondie: HEY

Blondie: @choirboy SAY IT TO MY FACE FUCKER

Choirboy: oh good morning everyone it's nice to see you all online!

Blondie: DONT IFNORE ME FUCKER

Chuckles: ifnore

Riviani: ifnore

VarricMustBeStopped: ifnore

Broody: ifnore

Daisy: oh hello sebastian!

Blondie: u guys suck

Choirboy: hello merrill! How is everyone doing today?

Blondie: u guys are all fuckin snakes

VarricMustBeStopped: why good morrow fine sir i am doing quite well this fine Tuesday

Killer: ugh ur all too active for this early

Chuckles: u started it

Killer: and every day ill pay for my sins

Killer: sebastian is confession on today

Choirboy: idk ask a Catholic

Sunshine: no jack not dont try it again

Waffles: what did she do last time

Rivaini: sounds like a story there

Choirboy: oh no

Killer: called the priest a cunt

Waffles: omg

Chuckles: fuck yeah

Waffles: what did he do

Killer: homophobe

Blondie: what where u expecting from a Catholic church

Killer: shut it prod

Blondie: im an athiest

Killer: idc

Waffles: no politics

_Waffles renamed the chat Anders And Jack Are Banned From Politics_

Killer: get fucked

_Killer renamed the chat I Do What I Fucking Want_

Waffles: god damn

_Red renamed the chat Stop_

Chuckles: yea that works

Red: indeed.

VarricMustBeStopped: so lets get a convo on track

Rivaini: u cant force these things varric

VarricMustBeStopped: with chuckles in the group u gotta to keep any vague sense of conherancy

Chuckles: i aint done anythin yet

VarricMustBeStopped: yep, yet

VarricMustBeStopped: anyway, what's everyones weekend plans

Chuckles: boring

Chuckles: if u could fight a dragon or a giant which would u pick

Chuckles: id personally like to be the dragon

Blondie: did u just ask a question yourself and the answer it wrong

Chuckles: shut

Riviani: um guys

Riviani: i gotta leave

VarricMustBeStopped: okay???

Riviani: like leave leave

Riviani: like get the fuck outta dodge leave

Killer: who'd u piss off

_Rivaini has left the chat, Riviani has blocked the group_

Chuckles: okay wtf

Waffles: this seems not great

Killer: fuck.

VarricMustBeStopped: well shit

Daisy: oh what did i miss!!!!

Daisy: everyones swearing

Daisy: isabela!!!!!!!!!

Daisy: oh this seems bad is bela mad at us why did she leave and block us?

Waffles: thats what i wanna know

Red: WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE

VarricMustBeStopped: what happened red

Red: SHE'S INCITED A GANG WAR.

Killer: great.

Chuckles: she what now

Red: SHE'S LEFT THE CITY

Red: WITH SOME FUCKING BOOK SHE STOLE FROM THE QUN.

Daisy: oh are those the big serious guys who hang out by the docks!!!

Broody: Yes.

Daisy: well that's not good

VarricMustBeStopped: my thoughts exactly daisy

Waffles: and she's just left?

Chuckles: seems like it

_Chat: Hawke Sibs_

MalTheSecond: @thebettertwin jack

MalTheSecond: u okay sis

ElderHawke: ur quiet in the GC dont do anything stupid

MalTheSecond: ya thats my job

MothersFavourite: what happened?

MiddleChildComplex: read the GC beth

Mothersfavourite: oh fuck Jack

Mothersfavourite: Pls reply

MiddleChildComplex: I'll look for her

EldestHawke: I'll come with, bethy and mal you stay at home and keep in touch with aveline

EldestHawke: dont tell leandra about any of this

MalTheSecond: on it

_Chat: Stop_

VarricMustBeStopped: okay the hawke siblings have gone quiet thats not good

Chuckles: haha no its chill just was away from my phone

Waffles: yep so fine

Red: im not convinced.

VarricMustBeStopped: wheres killer

Waffles: phone died

Waffles: probably

Red: Ora Hawke what is going on.

Chuckles: god aveline so suspicious.

Red: Ora Marie Hawke

Waffles: she full named me bro im a weak woman

Waffles: and im happy at least one of our friends knows my name

Waffles: Jack's gone a bit MIA so we're looking around for her

Waffles: nbd im sure

Red: doubtful.

Red: oh one second

Red: found her, got a report in of a big fight down at the docks

Waffles: fuck omw

VarricMustBeStopped: ill say it again

VarricMustBeStopped: well shit.

  
_Private chat BootyQueen69 and Jack Hawke_

_Jack Hawke set BootyQueen69’s name as Isabela_

_Isabela set Jack Hawke’s name to Hawke_

Isabela: hey

Hawke: hey

Isabela: I don't know what to say, fuck im not good at shit like this, fucking feelings

Hawke: nor am I

Hawke: but sorry would probably suffice.

Isabela: fine

Isabela: im fucking sorry

Isabela: i thought returning it would fix the mess but

Isabela: you had to fucking clean it up for me

Isabela: sorry to drag you into my shit

Hawke: i dont care about that

Hawke: its me, a fights a fight its not the first one and it won't be the last

Isabela: then what

Hawke: fuck dont take this as me being mushy or soft or shit but

Hawke: you just ran away

Hawke: and didnt say why

Isabela: but i came back

Hawke: but why did you come back

Isabela: fuck it

Isabela: for you, and your fucking do gooder siblings, you've rubbed off on me

Isabela: i was out of kirkwall when i felt fucking guilt

Isabela: so i came back

Isabela: and it got fucked up anyway you got beaten within an inch of your bloody life

Hawke: hey i won

Hawke: i lived

Hawke: and i got some cool scars and varric got a good story

Hawke: also i dont think anyones called me or mal a do gooder before, ora sure but????

Isabela: you are though

Isabela: why else would you do what you did

Hawke: for you bela

Isabela: i can't with these feelings hawke

Hawke: then ignore them, just dont runaway again

Isabela: fine

Hawke: good

Isabela: where are you

Hawke: at home, windows open

Isabela: see you in five, hawke.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 done!! Gna start working on chapter 3 soon, I'm really enjoying writing this fic!
> 
> Lmk what u think and if u find any mistakes!

**Author's Note:**

> Lmk what u think! I enjoyed writing this a lot, I have a second chapter done that I'll upload soon! Also SDE = Small dick energy 
> 
> Idk how wakes work outside of irish catholic ones, but the ones ive been too are basically the whole village comes round to see the body and a lot of hail marys are said. 
> 
> Sorry if seb gets ooc (i mean everyones pretty ooc) but I never got the dlc w him in haha


End file.
